ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
