She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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