i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
