kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
i now understand why vodka
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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