You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
