he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
