he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
