I cannot find my penis.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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