I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
