I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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