I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
