just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
