I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
