Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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