Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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