she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
