I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
there is puke in my bra ... again
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