how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
