there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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