in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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