im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
