dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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