when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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