my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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