My room smells like vodka and shame
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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