Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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