Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
