I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
