You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
