u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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