I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
