They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
