as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
my sisters under your porch take her home
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
