youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
