I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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