Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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