he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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