my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Dear god my vagina.
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