these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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