i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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