someone owes me an orgasm
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
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