i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
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