We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
