I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
