you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
