ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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