Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
