Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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