My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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