apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
