Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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