He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
