when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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