so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
