this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
