Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
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Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
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Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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