she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
