I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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