i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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