false alarm. still invincible.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
